I'm just saying…

(From Real Life, by Greg Dean)

I want to talk about pwnage, or the act of pwning thereof. In my circles, the word “pwn” (pronounced P’OWN) is securely fixed in our collective and individual lexicons. Pwn is a mighty word to me. I use it to describe the complete decimation of one thing over another.

Examples:
“Man, this pile of flapjacks seriously pwns all others I’ve ever tasted. Thanks, Grampa!”
“Check out this A+, I totally pwned my mid-term!”
“My fingers sure are tired from all this ritualistic pwning I’ve been dealing out.”
“Check out my pwnular entertainment setup.”
“I’m trying to decide who is more pwnable in this fight, so I know who to take out first.”
“Of all varieties of cheese, I’d have to say that Limburger is probably the least pwnish.”
“That was a really cheap victory. Pwnesque at best.”
“You’re just a lame bitch pwn face aren’t you?”

The possibilities therein are pwnably endless. And we’ve all but exhausted “pwn” as a word in speech. And while I have borne witness to many a pwning, I have never seen what pwning looks like in a flat out illustration of such a thing. Eric N. firing off three sniper rounds, and obliterating five enemies in the process… that’s a goddamned pwning. But while it is an act pwning, that act is not what pwning itself looks like.

Consider, if you will, the regular man-activity of Cock-Drawing. Bear with me on this one. While few and far between is the act of actually drawing out the Cock performed, it is always done figuratively. Guys just do that. I do that, and you… you do that. Guys have several figurative Cocks of which to draw out. When a guy pulls up in his Mercedes alongside my Pontiac Sunfire, he has shown to me that he has a much, much bigger Automotive Cock. When a guy pulls out his ringing cell phone, I’m almost always going to pull out my Samsung Monolith (my pet name, for both its rectangular shape and its ability to fascinate and inspire) and play my ring tone, which is a delightful polyphonic rendition of Aha’s “Take on Me,” and then take a picture of him with the multi-positionable camera lens. I have successfully flexed my mighty Gadget Cock. If two guys are out for a huge dinner, and one of them snags the check and leaves a 30% tip, it may seemlike he’s doing something nice. But no, he is definitely flexing his Money Cock. There’s thousands of Cocks for which a guy can choose from. His Living Space Cock, his Girlfriend Cock, his Job Cock, his Power Tool Cock, his Gun Cock, his Computer Cock, etc., etc., etc.!

In this strip, Greg’s character has essentially Gadget Cockslapped the salesman right in the jaw, Coldcocking the guy as a result. A pwning so great that it is illustrated with an explosive word bubble. And look! The weakling sales associate is lying on the ground with smoke arising from the pwn-wound. Alan Extra got fucking pwned… In the face!

Pfft… What a n00b.

47 Awesome Points™ to Greg Dean, for his top-notch pwning.

This entry was posted on Tuesday, April 19th, 2005 at 9:30 am and is filed under Webcomics. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.